‘Amazing Times’

 

By Sammy Ringer

 

Out of Body Back in Five

 

Synopsis

 

Set in the cramped and messy office of a paranormal magazine run by an agnostic non believer (Alisha) who has an eye for the sensational and the bottom line. Alisha purchased the magazine from the ailing founder and proceeded to turn it on its head. As she says ‘Sex sells – and it’s good karma.’

The staff have different ideas. They rather liked the magazine the way it was (ailing as much as its founder but full of integrity).

They use every resource at hand to counter Alisha’s tackier campaigns. Some are down to earth and some decidedly other worldly. Some work – many don’t.

The events which dot the episodes tread that gray line between coincidence and, you know - magic.

Although it appears that there is little common ground between Alisha and her staff, most storylines bring them together in a reasonably amicable compromise. Often, this involves spells and channeling to her ‘higher self’ by the staff.

Though each episode revolves around a story for the magazine; the underlying thread is Alisha’s determination not to believe in all that ‘ooby gooby’ while wanting to utilise it if it’s headline-grabbing and, preferably, has sex attached to it.

Somewhere along the line, Alisha’s  pragmatic and very down-to-earth approach will rub off on all of her staff  - or will it be the other way round?

 

 

Character Breakdown

 

Alisha

Early thirties, a forceful lady used to getting her own way. Wise in the snaky world of publishing, she is not basically good hearted, will not undergo a transformation and will definitely not suddenly see the light. She knows what she wants to see - $.

 

Mimi

Late twenties, twittery but good hearted. Gullible but not dumb. Much of her life is ruled by the Tarot and other other-worldly messengers.

 

Miss Harris

Receptionist/typist. Forty plus. The straight nut in the office – and the only one who levitates and speaks in tongue. Miss Harris has such a cold, Virgo exterior, you can’t imagine her having romantic thoughts – but she’s got the hots for…

 

Carruthers

Fifties. Serious if wacky journalist. Tasteless shirts and cello-tape holding his glasses together. A mathematician at heart and totally absorbed in his forever-earth-shaking discoveries. Totally oblivious to Miss Harris’ attentions.

 

Rodney

Thirty something. Will be cute when he grows up. It’s all a cartoon adventure for him. He rather fancies Mimi but it remains a very brother/sister relationship.

 

For each episode, we will approach a ‘name’ actor to play the lead of that storyline.

 

Ep 1: Mr Thomas

Middle aged going-nowhere sort who decides getting abducted by aliens is his ticket to fame.

 

 


Amazing Times”

 

Episode 1

 

 

‘Out of Body, Back in Five’

 

written by

 

Sammy Ringer

 

 

1.                CORRIDOR, AMAZING TIMES                                    DAY          1

ALISHA walks down the corridor. Boy, does she walk. When this woman walks, you hoist sail to catch the wind she trails.

This is a woman who knows what she wants and hasn’t got it yet.

She smiles at the framed covers which line the walls – ‘Venusian Channeling Saved our Sex Life’, ‘Sex Change Secrets of the Ancients’, ‘Are You Bonking the Wrong Star Sign?’

She saves her greatest smile for the last framed document – a profit and loss graph which tilts upwards rather phallically. She gives it a kiss and sails on.

2.                OFFICE PROPER, AMAZING TIMES. DAY               2

This is an ‘open plan’ office gone rather terrifically wrong. It was not a large room to begin with and it was certainly never meant to hold four desks, packaged this way and that. Dreamcatchers, wind chimes, pot plants and mandalas add to the rather cheerful chaos.

Amidst all this there is a sterile island of total efficiency just inside the door. MISS HARRIS’S desk is stripped and ready for action. A PC, an old-fashioned FAX, a pen holder and a message pad wait for the day’s duties, as does MISS HARRIS, who hovers a few inches above her chair.

ALISHA stops her high speed entrance and looks at her receptionist. Miss HARRIS remains a-hover.

ALISHA

I hope it’s not your hormonal thing again.

MISS HARRIS gives her boss an icy stare, lost as ALISHA has moved on. RODNEY moves his chair to allow her through.

RODNEY

The epicentre of the Confluence will be in Bali!

ALISHA nods at this, uninterested.

ALISHA

Rodney – is there anything happening sort of 2000 miles from the epicenter?

He frowns, thinking heavily

ALISHA

This is not trick question.

RODNEY

It’s not…right.

He thinks seriously but ALISHIA is moving on.

ALISHA

What the hell is a confluence, anyway?

She is about to escape into her office when MIMI titters in.

MIMI

Good morning good morning good morning!

ALISHA is not quick enough.

MIMI

AhAhhaa Just in time!

Her sing-song voice is either rather endearing or totally aggravating. Very large tits. A nice person.

ALISHA

(grits her teeth)

Really, Mimi, I quite liked yesterday’s. Couldn’t we just use that?

MIMI

Oh you little silly!

3.                ALISHA’S OFFICE. DAY                                                3

At her desk, ALISHA pulls cards from the Tarot pack with one hand and flicks through a report with the other. MIMI places them in a traditional cross layout, studying them intensely.

MIMI

Ooo obstructions. Concentrate, please Alisha!

ALISHA sighs and takes her eye off the report long enough to look at the cards and nod.

MIMI

Four of Cups, 7 of Swords and here – up at the top – the Empress! Ooo! It’s going to be a VERY good day! Yes, indeed, powerful influences for change - but there will be something which obstructs you.

ALISHA

What?

MIMI puts her finger of the Swords card.

MIMI

The 7 of Swords always indicates a…

As she speaks, ALISHA picks up the offending card and drops it in the rubbish bin.

ALISHA

There! Now we’re going to have an…

MIMI/ALISHA

Absolutely fabulous

ALISHA

day.

MIMI

You’ve been watching too much television.

ALISHA

Good morning Mimi, and thank you!

ALISHA is on the phone as she speaks.

4.                OFFICE PROPER.                       DAY                            4.

MIMI reenters as a laden CARRUTHERS enters and moves clumsily to his desk. Green socks, a wonderfully worn corduroy jacket, thinning hair and cello tape holding his glasses together.

MISS HARRIS gives the thinnest of smiles which distracts him. He juggles his load of books and folders and makes it safely to his desk.

MISS HARRIS

Good morning, Mr Carruthers.

RODNEY

(mimics)

Good morning, Mr Carruthers.

MIMI

Good morning, Mr Carruthers.

 

CARRUTHERS looks deep in thought.

CARRUTHERS

Good – good? Yes, perhaps. Is anyone channeling at the moment?

Heads shake all around. RODNEY pretends to take his own pulse and shakes his head.

CARRUTHERS

Hmm, hmm. I had a thought. What if – what if there was a television news service and the newsreader was actually channeling?

ALISHA

(from the door)

What if there was a magazine and the staff actually came out of alpha state – or wherever they are – and put their little fingers on their little keyboards and pretended to be busy?

MIMI

If we pretended to be busy, it wouldn’t fool you though, would it?

ALISHA

Try me.

RODNEY

Did you mean north or south of the epicentre?

ALISHA

(rolls her eyes)

All right boys and girls, it’s story time.

5.                ALISHA’S OFFICE.                    DAY                             5.

They all sit round the desk. The mood is subdued.

ALISHA

What’s hot?

MISS HARRIS pulls out a thick report and flicks to the correct page,

MISS HARRIS

Past lives of the stars.

MOAN from all around the table bar ALISHA. MISS HARRIS disregards the reaction.

MISS HARRIS

Venusian insemination, we haven’t done that one for quite some time.

LOUDER MOAN. MISS HARRIS is above this surliness.

MISS HARRIS

Well then, take your pick – psychic breast augmentation…

Thumbs down.

MISS HARRIS

Virus infected space debris…

Thumbs down.

MISS HARRIS

Tom and Nicole join the catholic church.

Stunned looks between them all. MISS HARRIS doesn’t allow herself a smile.

MISS HARRIS

I just stuck that one in…

MIMI

I like it…

The phone rings. ALISHA picks it up, motioning them to keep going. They watch her instead.

ALISHA

Amazing Times, can I help you? Your husband’s been abducted…

There is a wave of interest around the table but ALISHA looks bored, motions them to keep going.

ALISHA

We’re a magazine, not a detective agency, Mrs – (listens) Mrs Thomas. Mmm hmm. I see. He keeps reappearing in strange places. Won’t stay abducted huh?

ALISHA likes her own joke but it seems the woman at the other end doesn’t see the humour.

ALISHA

There is no need to sound quite so litigenous…

ALISHA shrugs and hangs up.

ALISHA

Where were we?

MISS HARRIS looks a little flustered,

MISS HARRIS

Last on the list – abductions.

There is a ‘we told you so’ look between CARRUTHERS, MIMI and RODNEY.

ALISHA

We’ve done abductions to death. Nix nay. No way.

And that’s that. There is a timid knock on the door. A middle aged man puts his head into the office.

MR THOMAS

Sorry to bother you – where am I?

MIMI

Mr Thomas??

MR THOMAS

Oh! I’m in the right place, am I?

ALISHA puts her head in her hands and moans. MISS HARRIS nods and puts a tick on her report.

MISS HARRIS

Abduction it is then.

6.                OFFICE PROPER.                       DAY                             6.

MISS HARRIS sits very properly at her computer. MR THOMAS, still looking a little confused, sits with his hands in his lap.

MISS HARRIS

Full name?

MR THOMAS

Mr Thomas.

MISS HARRIS

Your full name, please.

MR THOMAS

I don’t know where I am, I don’t know what day of the week it is and you want my full name.

MIMI

He looks like a Robert to me.

MR THOMAS nods at this thought.

MR THOMAS

I feel like a Robert.

BEAT

MR THOMAS

At the moment.

MISS HARRIS

Very good, Robert Thomas – please inform me when you feel like a Jeremy, I like to keep my paperwork up to date.

Now, would you like Mimi to interview you?

MR THOMAS looks around at the pimply RODNEY, the balding CARRUTHERS and the large breasted MIMI.

MR THOMAS

You’re the boss.

MISS HARRIS

No. I’m Miss Harris. The Boss sits behind that door there worshipping her many demi-gods.

RODNEY/MIMI AND CARRUTHERS (who is slightly out of time)

Cash flow, bottom line, revenue.

TRANSITION.

MR THOMAS sits opposite MIMI.

MIMI

Mr Thomas.

MR THOMAS

Call me Robert. Or -  well, whatever feels right.

MIMI

Robert, start at the beginning.

MR THOMAS

My wife and I stopped sleeping together 5 years ago.

RODNEY coughs, CARRUTHER’s eyebrows go up and MISS HARRIS swings round with an disapproving look. MIMI glares at them all.

MIMI

Can we please allow Robert to intuitively begin where it feels right? Let’s give him some ownership of the story.

MR THOMAS

It is mine.

MIMI

What?

MR THOMAS

The story. Why is he on the floor?

RODNEY

Low angle shot – it’s like slow motion on telly. Have you noticed when they want to make someone look like a baddy, they have this really tight shot of their face in slow motion and then they blink?

RODNEY shows the effect.

MR THOMAS

That’s remarkably evil.

RODNEY snaps a shot, then another.

MIMI

So you’re randy.

MR THOMAS

Well, I was.

CARRUTHERS and MISS HARRIS react again but MIMI stares them down.

MR THOMAS

I’d been reading about these women who were abducted and artificially inseminated by space beings.

MIMI

And?

MR THOMAS

I thought it might work the other way round.

RODNEY

Killing!

7.                ALISHA’S OFFICE.                    DAY                             7.

She is on the phone.

ALISHA

Mr Stammers, Other Worldly Investments have been our premier advertiser from Issue One…we value your…

(she listens)

Our standards of integrity and karmic responsibility have not changed! We maintain the highest…

(she listens)

It’s the year of the snake, Mr Stammers – we’re in a highly sensual cycle.

(listens)

ALISHA

MR STAMMERS – there is integrity in sex!

You want good news stories…

Don’t we all.

Do you a deal - good news stories with sex…hello?

(he’s hung up)

ALISHA

OH FART!

8.                OFFICE PROPER.                       DAY                             8.

MIMI looks at MR THOMAS with intensity.

MIMI

Mr Thomas – we all like a quick flip out to the Pleiades but you know, you should start at home. Get in touch with the underlying issues which strangled your sex life. Go back to that joyous spontaneity which started it all.

 

MR THOMAS

(straight)

Why?

CARRUTHERS

Yes, why should he?

MIMI

Because he has a woman waiting at home who’s heart-broken.

MR THOMAS

Heart-broken? She’s trying to sell the story to ‘Who’. That’s why I keep disappearing.

ALISHA whooshes out from her office, colourful dress a-flutter.

ALISHA

We’ve lost Other Worldly Investments!

ALL

Ahhhh.

ALISHA

Ahhh indeed! They represent one quarter of our advertising revenue so – let’s see – one, two, three, ah! Carruthers, you’re four! Downsized!

General cry of dismay from ALL except CARRUTHERS. He begins to pile his reports neatly.

ALISHA

Never could figure out what you did, anyway.

MR THOMAS

She said they pay $20-$30,000 for this sort of thing, so I thought, why don’t I sell it myself?

ALISHA

(towers over THOMAS)

IF YOU THINK we engage in check-book journalism here, Mr Whoever you are, think again! What’s your story, anyway?

MIMI

His wife doesn’t like sex.

ALISHA

(high sarcasm)

Oh GREAT! Wow! Woman’s Day’ll pay – ooh -  $50-$60 thousand for that!

(but she stops, thinks)

ALISHA

(cocks a finger at MR THOMAS)

Come with me.

(to CARRUTHERS)

Oh stop your packing!

ALISHA

(to RODNEY)

What are you doing down there?

RODNEY

Capturing evil overtones…

ALISHA

Nix. We don’t do evil. Warm and fuzzy. That’s our new mission statement team! Home values! Warm and fuzzy, apple pie…

RODNEY

Casper the friendly ghost.

ALISHA

You’re getting the picture.

9.                ALISHA’S OFFICE.                    DAY                             9.

ALISHA walks MR THOMAS into her office.

ALISHA

Now, in the trade we have what’s called a teaser. Story gets run in a small mag, picked up by the big players and enormous dollars offered.

MR THOMAS

What does the small mag pay?

ALISHA

Oh, nothing.

MR THOMAS

Oh come on, I didn’t come down with the last shower.

ALISHA

Get your story straight. You see, what I’m offering you here is media cred. In print, out there in-your-face cred. From here - who knows? The John Laws show, guests spot on X Files.

MR THOMAS

$10,000?

ALISHA

Zip. Cred.

MR THOMAS

Why don’t I just go straight to Woman’s Day?

ALISHA

Because you couldn’t get past the semi-retired security guard in the foyer.

MR THOMAS

(props)

Well. Uh, I’ll need a little sweetener…

10.              OFFICE PROPER.                       DAY                             10/

ALISHA appears and beckons MIMI who rises to follow. RODNEY now lies on the floor by MISS HARRIS, camera pointed upwards.

RODNEY

Why is it that someone blinking slow can look so – evil? Fast blinking looks kind of naïve, doesn’t it?

HE swivels round to point the camera at CARRUTHERS.

RODNEY

Johnson Carruthers, man of malevolent intent.

MISS HARRIS

Recently downsized to vaguely nasty intent.

CARRUTHERS

(pushes a key on his keyboard)

Vlastoff 7, recently decommissioned, will reenter the earth’s atmosphere and impact at Latitude 39, longitude 177.

MISS HARRIS

Where’s that?

CARRUTHERS

Corner of Marsh and Bradley, up near the Pizza place.

RODNEY

Killing.

MISS HARRIS

When?

CARRUTHERS

Uh, 2310.

MISS HARRIS

Oh, that’s good - gives them time to sell, before, you know – oops! There goes the neighborhood!

CARRUTHERS

This is a great story – but I can’t get any sex in it.

MISS HARRIS moves to his desk and leans over his shoulder.

MISS HARRIS

Let’s have a look. See if we can’t find some sex here…

She has arranged herself so that her goodly cleavage is right under his nose. CARRUTHERS, intent on his screen, tilts his head to see past her breast.

11. ALISHA’S OFFICE.                                 DAY                             11.

MR THOMAS moves to get a better sight-line on MIMI’s tits.

ALISHA

Here’s the angle I see. Christian values save abductee.

THOMAS AND MIMI both prop. Huh?

ALISHA

We’ll need him out in the field where they first picked him up.

MR THOMAS

It was near the wheelie bin at home.

ALISHA

Right. And some homey stuff with Thomas and his wife – and a dog, I hope you’ve got a dog. Borrow mine. Usual silver frisbee through tree branches and maybe an artist’s impression – uh, who did you actually inseminate?

MR THOMAS

Uh…

ALISHA

Well?

MR THOMAS

Uh…

ALISHA

WELL?

MR THOMAS

They uh...a test tube.

A beat.

MIMI

I can draw a real good test tube.

ALISHA

(give me patience)

I think we revamp Athelia of Andromeda for this, give her brown hair, not blonde.

MR THOMAS

Excuse me, but – what’s the sweetener?

ALISHA looks at MIMI.

ALISHA

Fame, Mr Thomas, fame, trust me. You know how sexy famous people are.

MIMI

Your lucky wife….

ALISHA

OK, precis – mid-life crises, dreams of sexual – romantic adventure in some far off place. Zink! Athelia appears. Whisks him away for a romp in the Pleiades. Tempts him, teases him, se-du-ces him. Drives him crazy – but where is his heart. WHERE is his heart?

MR THOMAS

Where do you bloody think.

ALISHA

Back home with his wonderful wife and home and Muffy the dog. You got the picture Mimi, go!

MIMI gets up happily and takes MR THOMAS’ elbow.

MIMI

We have some work to do, Robert!

MR THOMAS looks at MIMI’s tits but ALISHA shakes her head.

MR THOMAS

First a test tube, now…

He turns back to ALISHA

MR THOMAS

Don’t you want to hear my real story?

ALISHA

Not really, no.

12.              OFFICE PROPER.                       DAY                             12.

MIMI is leading MR THOMAS to her desk. MISS HARRIS turns slowly in her chair.

MISS HARRIS

WOOF LADA PRAG! GOOOO MINININNI YANNN TANNN TAANN YAANNNYO!

And so forth.

CARRUTHERS struggles to get a tape recorder going. RODNEY jumps on a desk and starts taking pictures of the rather composed MISS HARRIS, who continues to rant during the following. MR THOMAS’ eyes widen.

MR THOMAS

What the…

MIMI

(matter of fact)

Speaking in tongues. She denies it but ooh, let’s see, ‘bout once a week, Carruthers?

CARRUTHERS

(still struggling with tape recorder)

Tuesdays, usually Tuesdays, this is an aberration.

MIMI

Yes, it is usually Tuesdays, isn’t it?

MISS HARRIS barks out a last indecipherable statement and turns back to her computer.

CARRUTHERS

Dam!

He still hasn’t got the tape recorder going.

RODNEY

Captured live and in full living colour. I’ve got you, Miss Harris!

MISS HARRIS turns to him coolly,

MISS HARRIS

Gourmet crunchy cheese treats for cats.

MR THOMAS

I’m out of here.

13. ALISHA’S OFFICE.                                 DAY                             13.

She pushes the record on her Dictaphone.

ALISHA

A letter, Miss Harris, to Mr Stammers, Out of this world etc etc.

Dear Mr Stammers, here at Amazing Times we pride ourselves on our integrity (even she has to stop at this) and the ground breaking work we have done to popularise the paranormal. While I fully appreciate your – attitude – towards the sexual aspects of this – the fact remains – sex sells. That’s the bottom line – yes, get a load of this you celibate, pompous old fart, S-E-X is HOT! You may have a little winky out of work but there are people out there who LIKE IT! YES! They can’t get enough of it and they keep buying and buying…

She composes herself. Clears her throat.

ALISHA

Take it from the word ‘integrity’, Miss Harris…

14               COFFEE BAR.                             DAY                             14.

MR THOMAS and MIMI sit over their coffee.

MIMI

Integrity, Mr Thomas, I guess that’s what we’re striving for.

MR THOMAS

Have you read the magazine lately?

MIMI

We’re going through a – growth thing at the moment. All mixed up with sex. It will pass.

He looks at her tits.

MR THOMAS

Will it?

MIMI

The universe works in strange ways.

MR THOMAS

What comes round, goes round.

MIMI

Go with the flow.

MR THOMAS

Walk the talk.

MIMI

Treat it as a challenge.

MR THOMAS

No pain, no gain.

MIMI

I didn’t like that one.

MR THOMAS

It’s a T-shirt I bought. When I thought long distance running could replace sex.

MIMI

Oh. You know, you seem like a very nice  man, Robert. And I’m really very sorry we can’t pay for your story. But the fact is, I’m buying the coffee today and that’s about it.

MR THOMAS

Your boss said there’d be a sweetener.

MIMI

(picks up the sugar container)

At this stage, you probably expect me to say sweet‘n lo or raw?

MR THOMAS

No I didn’t.

MIMI continues to hold out the sugar container and he resignedly takes a sachet.

15. OFFICE PROPER.                                    DAY                             15.

MISS HARRIS answers the phone.

MISS HARRIS

Amazing Times, can I help you? The advertising department, just one moment please.

 

MISS HARRIS looks around. RODNEY points to CARRUTHERS who points to RODNEY. MISS HARRIS puts it through to CARRUTHERS, who frowns, intent on whatever’s on his screen.

CARRUTHERS

Major Carruthers, First Regiment, Dog Star Light Infantry…

MISS HARRIS

(hisses)

Don’t do that!

But CARRUTHERS smiles at her, happy with his small win.

CARRUTHERS

Oh, were you? The Orion campaign 98? I’ll be…I knew a Lieutenant in artillery…

MISS HARRIS roles her eyes and goes back to her PC. CARRUTHERS remains on the phone.

MIMI enters with MR THOMAS

MIMI

Get your camera, Rodney, we’ve got a story to do!

ALISHA enters from her office, hears this.

ALISHA

Mr Warm and Fuzzy?

MR THOMAS

That’s me

ALISHA winks at MIMI

 ALISHA

Good girl. Tell you what, why don’t you take Mr Thomas out to dinner tonight, something special, sort of a – sweetener.

MIMI looks dead pan.

ALISHA

On me.

RODNEY

Uh, uh…

ALISHA

Oh Rodney, you know how tired you get after 8 o’clock.

MIMI nods, MR THOMAS shakes his head, RODNEY pleads with his eyes.

ALISHA

All right, but watch your waistlines, team.

RODNEY starts to pack his camera. CARRUTHERS hangs up, hands a note to ALISHA

CARRUTHERS

Could you call this chap? He wants to discuss discounts for his campaign.

ALISHA

Carruthers, you know we do not give discounts.

(She looks at the message)

ALISHA

Aiiiieeeee!

MR THOMAS

Not her too…

ALISHA

Seth Benwitz!!! Seth Benwitz!!

She is shouting this into CARRUTHERS’ face as though this might excite him.

CARRUTHERS

He’s a Trekkie fruit loop.

ALISHA

THE Seth Benwitz! King of natural aphrodisiacs! Do you know how BIG this is, Carruthers??

CARRUTHERS

How big what is?

But ALISHA is dancing.

ALISHA

Double, triple old worldly schmorldy. Yes! SEX SEX SEX here we come! Warm and fuzzy! BARF!

MIMI

Does that mean…

ALISHA

Oh… Mr Thomas the homebody. Tell you what, Mr T, you spice your story up a bit and I might look at it.

MR THOMAS

But… (it was…)

ALISHA

No test tubes!

She dances towards her office.

ALISHA

Mr St-st-st-st Stammer you can…

She blows a raspberry and disappears into her office.

MR THOMAS

This place is very odd.

MIMI shrugs and exits with MR THOMAS and RODNEY. There is an extremely loud explosion off.

MISS HARRIS

What was that??

CARRUTHERS is tapping frantically at his keyboard.

CARRUTHERS

Oh no! 2310, 2310…I got the hour and the date mixed up! And it’s early to boot.

MISS HARRIS

Pardon?

CARRUTHERS

Vlastoff 7…

CARRUTHER/MISS HARRIS

The pizza place.

16.              ALISHA’S OFFICE.                    DAY                             16.

POP! ALISHA opens a bottle of champagne. It is not the first. MISS HARRIS and CARRUTHERS are looking very mellow.

ALISHA

Oh I love this magazine! I wuv wuv wuv it! Don’t you Miss Harris?

MISS HARRIS

My passion is unbounded.

CARRUTHERS

Who do so many people take aphrodisiacs?

MISS HARRIS begins to giggle.

ALISHA

Miss Harris! You will resume your haughty and efficient demeanor!

MISS HARRIS makes silly noises with her mouth. ALISHA gives up.

ALISHA

Let’s send out for a pizza.

MISS HARRIS and CARRUTHERS give each other a very meaningful look. ALISHA frowns. MISS HARRIS begins to giggle again.

ALISHA

Did I miss something?

CARRUTHERS

Order a satellite special…

MISS HARRIS

Vegetarian Vlastoff supreme…

CARRUTHERS

Space Junk Jumbo!

ALISHA

I missed something.

CARRUTHERS

No sex in satellites.

MISS HARRIS

None.

ALISHA

You make more sense when you’re speaking in tongues.

There is a tremendous racket as RODNEY and MIMI enter, breathless.

RODNEY

You won’t believe this!

ALISHA

Where’s Mr whatsisname??

RODNEY

(looks guilty)

Ohh.. well, Mimi said why don’t we pick up your wife and ask her along so we went to his place and waited outside. And…

MIMI

(misty eyed)

And he didn’t come back out.

RODNEY indicates bonking.

RODNEY

I guess, after a test tube, his wife looked pretty good.

MIMI

Well, we thought we’d get a pizza and come back… 


RODNEY

And WHAT DO YOU RECKON?

ALISHA

You got to the pizza place and aliens had abducted the whole building.

They all look at each other in amazement.

MIMI

I told you she was psychic.

ALISHA does an impersonation of speaking in tongues.

ALISHA

Woo doooby dweet fart, rrrr. Mpph. So where’s the pizza?

MIMI and RODNEY look at each other.

MIMI

Alpha centauri?

RODNEY

The Pleides?

ALISHA

Forget it! Come on.

She fills glasses all round.

ALISHA

Here’s to Vita-Poke, our newest, largest, sexiest advertiser!

CARRUTHERS

Is a test tube – technically – being unfaithful?

ALISHA

Oh god, how do we end this?

MISS HARRIS

(to camera)

Like this.

She snaps her fingers.

BLACK.

Credits

Voice over in tongues

With subtitles.